remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
