I want to make a zoo with you.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
my shit smells like andre
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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