so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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