it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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