hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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