we were pretty classy up until the second keg
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
