yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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