can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Farmville is her only friend.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
