I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
