can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
