I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
