If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize