hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
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