Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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