if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
