I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize