My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I could make wine with my vomit
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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