apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
