Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize