Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
