how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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