Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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