So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
