break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
