I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
