Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
