She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
