So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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