Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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