My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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