How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
