So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
