this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
