peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
