I'm eating all of the evidence.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
