Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
