Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
