What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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