She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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