Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
she smelled like a LAN party
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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