I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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