There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
