She announced her abortion via fbk
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
