bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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