totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
