the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
