So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Randomize
