he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I looked at my own cervix.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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