I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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