I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
