I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
