I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
