Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
