Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
