im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
