So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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