just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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