Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Sext me about skeletons
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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