I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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